I have decided to take a different approach to writing on medium and my blog. I am just going to write as if I am writing an email to a friend or myself.
Here is #1
Hey-
How are you? I am doing much better today. My weekend was good. I had more time to think than usual because I was under the weather. I had a bad Endo flare up, it was a bummer. I missed out on a birthday dinner Friday and productivity this weekend but did my best. I had the opportunity to catch up with some good friends over the weekend which was really nice. I really do love spending time with people.
But, I have massive guilt about not feeling well and not doing what people want of me. Often times I know it’s just that people want to spend time with me and have fun. But it also hurts when people tell me I am lame or cannot have a good time. Why does this make me feel so bad? Why do I care?
What is wrong with doing what I want to do? First off, doing what I want to do might not make everyone like me as much and that is a hard concept for me to accept. Defiantly an area I need to work on, but second not many people understand the pain and suffering of Endo. If sucks, it’s not just cramps, it’s like having the flu with someone stabbing you and you might pass out all the same time. If comes in waves for me…I can be fine one moment and ready to go to the ER next.
It’s the same with fitness and my progress lately, why do I feel bad when people say things like, “you are so disciplined” or “come on Melissa, have some fun” “just eat this”, Should I just say thank you and move on? Why do I feel SO bad?
Why can I not share things I feel are accomplishments? I get embarrassed and feel bad, like I do not deserve it. Is this a confidence thing?
Can I just not take a compliment? Are these not meant to be compliments?
I need to meditate, I fell off the wagon for the past two weeks when I have needed it most, funny how life works like that. I am back on the horse tonight.
I want to get away from complaining and being negative, I am trying but not there at all.
Maybe is the full moon, but it’s been an odd few weeks.
Thanks for reading this, and listening.
xo, Mel